Ego and Banpen Fugyo

This marks the 3rd week I've had to sit out from training because of a foot injury. When I realized I would have to take it easy and forego the physical side of training, I knew it would be a test of my patience. It wasn't too bad at first, but I've found myself progressively more annoyed with the situation. So, naturally, I thought about why I was losing my patience. I hope that my musings on the matter will help others who are facing unexpected changes to see things from another angle.

Sitting out with an injury is the most irritating roadblock I've encountered so far in training. The injury somewhat hinders my daily activities, but it makes training just about impossible if I want to recover ASAP. Still, I go to training anyway and take notes on what I observe. It's not as exciting, but I do learn. From my vantage point, I'm better able to spot common errors, which I can then watch for in myself and others I'm helping. The perspective also allows me to see facets I'd forgotten or missed, which in turn yield questions I can study later (or ask my friends to go through the scenario while I observe).

Yet even though I'm still training mentally and still learning, it's difficult to muster up the patience to continue coming to a class I can't participate in the way I want.

When I tried to pinpoint why I was so annoyed with the situation, and I came to a familiar conclusion: ego. People are annoying when they disrupt some aspect of my personal world. Situations are annoying when they interrupt my world pattern. So, from what I can see, annoyance comes from believing that the situation should be other than what it is to suit my desires. If my world structure wasn't built on my desires, then I wouldn't be so flustered when things don't go the way I want or how I think they should.

Not being tied down to what I think my world should be, I'd be better able to flow with what comes. I've been trying to apply that feeling of adaptability to my role as a student right now, but the application possibilities don't end there. It applies to everything, when you think about it (and I do encourage you to think about it).

For now, my training is both mental and spiritual. Mental because of the attention and discipline required to observe and take notes, spiritual because I'm being pushed to let go of my ego and accept what is. If I had my druthers, I would be fully healed and back to physical training and other physical activity. But since life didn't ask for my opinion, I would only be holding myself back by allowing myself to be annoyed by what is not. Fixating on what I wish was the case does not help me open my eyes to the other ways I can be useful to my fellow students, aside from the uke/tori partnership.

To me, the phrase "banpen fugyo" communicates that there are more changes than you can keep up with or prepare for, so just accept what comes. In the words of the philosopher Parmenides, "What is is. What is not is not." This injury is pushing me to let go of my ego, accept what is, and to act according to that instead of what I wish was so. I hope that perspective helps someone who reads this, or at least provides something to think about.

Onegaishimasu.